Hi people,

It's back to school..

***

The first day of school is always special to me. It's the only day of the year when I'm not behind in my homework.

The first day of school wouldn't be so bad if it weren't followed by the second day of school, and the third day of school, and then the fourth day of school . . .

The first day of school is exciting, but so is riding a roller coaster, and I wouldn't want to do that for nine months in a row either.

Teachers always seem happy on the first day of school. That's because they're getting paid to be there. We kids have to do it for free.

There's one good thing about the first day of school. When it's over; you're one day closer to the last day of school.

***

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman stood up.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

***

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, "I don't belong here, I should be in third grade"

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Only five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said,

"I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!"

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.

They soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions ...

"What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?" asked the teacher.

"Legs!" Larry immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?" asked the teacher.

"Pockets!" said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, "Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions."

***

A third grade teacher always took role call each morning and had the pupils' answer by reciting a short poem. The first kid stood u and said, "My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can, and I think I can."

The next kid was a little girl. She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, "My name is Suzy, and when I become a lady I would like to have a baby if I can, and I think I can."

The next on the list was Little Johnny sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, "My name is Johnny, and I don't give a darn about Japan but I would like to help Suzy with her plan if I can ... and I think can!"

***

The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked,

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

  ***

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

***

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a whore."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

The teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes".

"What did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our society, gave me a pocket full of lollies and asked for my phone number."

***

The School Answering Machine

Hello!

You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

Have a great September :-)
Katrin
1. September 2012
CraziestJokes.com
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he Big Book Of Home Business Lead Generation Methods“The Indispensable Networker’s Guide To Home BasedBusiness Building Strategies”This book will serve as an indispensable guide to learning about theconcept behind how people generate endless leads for their homebased businesses.Any net worker should know this by now… leads are your life line.When you are cut from your source of leads, your business will be asinking ship and you will ‘die a natural death’. It doesn’t matterhow motivated you are or how pumped up you are after a meetingor a rally – you need a large source of leads because traffic isKING.This is the reason why this ‘big book’ is written. Granted, I’m not ableto cover every single lead generation method in vivid detail because ofthe nature of the Internet – it is constantly changing and evolving andnewer, more updated strategies are available.
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Don't drink while driving. You could spill your drink.

Don't follow me. I'm lost too.

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!

I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2.5 seconds

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My other car is a broom

My other car is also a piece of junk

So many pedestrians. So little time.

Heavily medicated for your safety.

A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my stickers.

-- Hilarious Bumper Stickers --

Beat rush hour, leave work at noon

Women are born leaders, you are following one now.

Forget About World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy bumper sticker.

Driver carries less than in ammunition.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

Horn Broke. Watch For Finger.

The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.

I may be slow but I'm in front of you!

Don't follow me. I am going fishing.

Save your breath. I only listen to tides.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

I have a nice body. It's in my trunk.

Everyone who drives slower than me is an idiot.

Everyone who drives faster than me is an maniac.

I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?

I don't know why I'm even out of bed.

-- Hilarious Bumper Stickers --

Beer is now cheaper than gas. Drink, don't drive!

I'm not perfect, but I'm so close that it scares me.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomoly in the cosmic order.

On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.

Honk if the twins fall out. 

Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!

If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union

Faster than a speeding ticket.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Caution I brake for hookers

Back Off! I'm a Postal Worker

Get off my ass before I start to like it!

As a matter of fact, I do own the road.

//


 
 
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Laugh and have fun. All you have to do is to read it. Enjoy :)

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"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, 1949

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name" - Paula Poundstone
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little." - Eric Porterfield

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC."

"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

-- Funny Computer Quotes --

"One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." Mitch Ratcliffe

"Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy." Joseph Campbell

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." - Erik Naggum

"But they are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies." - Linus Torvalds

"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer." Farmer's Almanac, 1978

-- Funny Computer Quotes --

"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog." - Doug Larson

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said:

'Outlook not so good'.

I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers).

Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again.

Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"The more I C, the less I see."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

-- Funny Computer Quotes --

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end up working for one when you grow up."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features." - average programmer.

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

-- Funny Computer Quotes --

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials.

This is wrong.

Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song.

For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"Testing. Testing. 001 010 011 100..."

-- Funny Computer Quotes --

 
 
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. - George W. Bush

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ... and that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty. - Imelda Marcos

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. - Walt Disney

-- Hilarious Quotes --

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hillary Clinton.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. - Bertrand Russell

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. - Christopher Isherwoo

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough. - Albert Einstein

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. - Samuel Goldwyn

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli. - George Bush.

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland

I like marriage. The idea. - Toni Morrison

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).

-- Hilarious Quotes --

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery. - Paul Lynde

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

I can resist everything except temptation. - Oscar Wilde.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. - Mark Twain

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. - Henry Kissinger.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

-- Hilarious Quotes --

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like.. love! - Homer J Simpson.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. - Mark Twain.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk! - Homer J. Simpson

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world - Calvin.

Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. - Mark Twain

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man.. I could be eating a slow learner. - Lyndon B. Johnson

 
 
"My advice to you is, get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -- Socrates.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes -- Special Advice for Women

The most obvious advice for women is, don't expect your husband change (at least to the better) after you got married.

To the worse, a few examples are:

When you are dating: He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married: He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating: He calls you by name.

When you are married: He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She".

When you are dating: He holds your hand in public.

When you are married: He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating: He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married: He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating: A Single bed for two isn't THAT bad.

When you are married: A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating: He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married: He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating: You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married: You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating: You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married: You think to yourself, "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes -- Special Advice for Men

The most obvious advice for men is, don't expect your wife NOT to change after you got married.

Funny Marriage Advice Jokes

Here is how to understand your wife:

The wife says: You want.

The wife means: You want.

The wife says: We need.

The wife means: I want.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.

The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish.

The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Do you love me?

The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?

The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: It's your decision.

The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious.

The wife says: We need to talk.

The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Do what you want.

The wife means: You'll pay for this later.

The wife says: I'm sorry.

The wife means: You'll be sorry.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.

The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.

The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Yes

The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe

The wife means: No

The wife says: No

The wife means: No

 
 
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room.

It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies,

"Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek.

That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this.

So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.

I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
-- Best Marriage Proposals Jokes --

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village.

They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage.

She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers.

"I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems.

I can still enjoy life".

"Well, then", she replies

"I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable.

You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself".

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain - "And how's your sex life...."

"Infrequently", he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking...

"And is that one word or two?

-- Best Marriage Proposals Jokes -- Best Marriage Proposals Jokes --

IT Professional Marriage Proposal

Baby, I ‘v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for.

For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can

be a real debugger for me now.

My life is just an uncompilable program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You are not only beautiful by face but all your Active X controls are attractive as well.

Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power.

When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running

smoothly and giving expected results.

/* Which I never experienced before */.

With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, I’ll provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life.

Also don’t bother about the firewall which may be created by

our parents as I’ve strong hacking capabilities by which I’ll ultimately

break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database

so that my connect script will fail.

And its all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery.

Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox.

Only yours,

XYZ Software Professional

-- Best Marriage Proposals Jokes --

 
 
When I married MR. RIGHT, I didn't know his first name was ALWAYS!

Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.

Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

-- Funny Marriage Quotes --

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That...

It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED!

-- Funny Marriage Quotes --

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

-- Funny Marriage Quotes --

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Words to live by - do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

No husband has ever been shot while washing dishes.

-- Funny Marriage Quotes --

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. the rest cheat in Europe.

If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

-- Funny Marriage Quotes --

A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Every man/woman should marry - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Our marriage was a love match. Plain and simple - she was plain and I was simple!

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?

Wife to Husband: I'm looking for a loophole.

 
 
A very interesting point of view, after deep study of Geometry, Architecture and other sciences.